Allies

Alright, this isn't what I was originally planning to blog about, but given that it's been my first real source of spontaneous inspiration in a very long time, I decided to go with it and see what came of it.

This whole topic - allies - refers to people in a given majority who support people in underrepresented or underprivileged communities, be it racial, gender, sexuality, ability, or anything else. Examples include a heterosexual person being an ally to the LGBTQ* community, a white person being an ally to a given racial minority community, a cisgender person being an ally to the trans* community, etc.

I wanted to blog about this because as a cisgender, biracial, biromantic demisexual male, I consider myself pretty solidly in the Q*, and yet I also stand in the relatively strange position of simultaneously having privilege and not having privilege. As a cisgender person, I have access to a ton of resources and securities that trans* people do not, simply because I happened to be born with my gender identity and biological sex in alignment. As a cisgender MALE, I am safe from rape culture, and in fact people who share my sex and gender identity are the worst perpetrators of rape culture. Yet as someone who is biromantic demisexual, my sexuality is misunderstood at best and outright denied as legitimate at worst. And as a biracial man (who is half-Black), simply because of the conditions of my parentage I am a number of things I have no wish to be: I am an adjective, a minority, a token, a statistic, an example, and a social issue. I'd love to just be Devaun, but I can't.

But that isn't what I want to talk about. I want to talk about being an ally to the communities that I can, including (but not limited to) the LGBTQ* community and women. Based on my experiences having most of my friends growing up and even today being women, I can honestly say that being part of the cisgender male section of society is not something I'm proud of. After all, my gender identity category is responsible for the oppression of almost everyone they've ever come across, and being a man of color doesn't exempt me from that.

But intersectionality is a talk for another time. In the interest of keeping this on topic, here are some do's and don't's that I have found helpful in being an ally.

DO: Recognize that as a member of your given majority, you have a responsibility and an obligation to be aware of the privilege that comes with being a part of that majority and to use it constructively.
DON'T: Deny that you have privilege. For example, I recognize that I do not have white privilege. However, for people who choose to see me as bisexual instead of biromantic demisexual because that's easier for them to understand, I do in fact have heterosexual privilege (if I were in a relationship with a woman, people would automatically assume me heterosexual, and if I wanted to marry a woman I would not face any difficulty at all), male privilege (I do not have to worry about being subjected to violence because of my sex), and cisgender privilege (my gender identity is automatically considered acceptable and the default and is never questioned).

DO: Recognize that as a member of the majority who claims to be an ally, you are in a unique position to do some real good.
DON'T: Think that treating women, people of color, or the LGBTQ* community (or any combination of them, or any other member of any other minority) with decency and respect makes you special - it makes you a decent person. For example, I recognize that being born with my gender identity and biological sex in alignment does not make me special; it makes me cisgender. It's the majority, but it isn't special.

DO: Know that being an ally means that your job is to support and advocate for whatever community of which you are an ally. Your job is to support them.
DON'T: Make it into something about you. Being an ally isn't about you, it's about the people whom you support and advocate for as an ally.

DO: Support and advocate for a given minority.
DON'T: Say things like, "While I don't support [x] I do support..." Half-hearted support is worse than no support, because it gives the illusion of helping while really doing nothing. It's lazy and deceitful, and it's harmful to the cause you claim to be an ally to.

DO: Recognize that being in a minority is not somehow contagious.
DON'T: Feel the need to preface something you're about to say with, "I'm straight, but..." "I'm cis, but..." "I'm white, but..." "I'm a guy, but..." You shouldn't have to assert your own identity in order to advocate for others. You can defend your identity if someone calls it into question (something a number of people I know who are allies have gone through), but you shouldn't distance yourself from a given minority before you try and speak for them. Speaking of which...

DO: Recognize that you are an individual ally for a community.
DON'T: Place your expectations for the community on an individual. Just like you, every member of a given minority is different, and has different experiences, goals, and opinions. I see this the most with people talking about the trans* community, saying how trans* people want to be like cis people. The sheer amount of backlash I have seen against this notion by trans* and cis people has shown me that that statement is nowhere near accurate. In addition to placing expectations on every member of a community that can then be used to deny that a person is a "real" trans* person, it completely ignores people with non-binary identities and erases them, as well. That's the clearest example I can think of, but it does apply to other situations.

DO: Recognize that a person's minority status is a part of who they are.
DON'T: Say things like, "I don't care what color you are or who you like or how you feel inside, to me you're just a person." That is erasure and marginalization - people do not (or should not) take on labels for your convenience, but for themselves, so that they can better understand themselves. You should recognize and appreciate a person's experiences, not deny that they happened or that they are an important part of a person's identity. It is not up to you to judge whether or not their identity is legitimate; if you are an ally, you accept people for who they are and try to get others to do the same.

DO: Recognize that being an ally is difficult, and is an ongoing process.
DON'T: Get discouraged. You'll make mistakes, you'll screw up, and that's okay. As long as you immediately take note of your mistake and make a conscious decision and effort to keep from making that mistake again, most people will know that you are trying. Being an ally isn't something that you earn, it's something that you are and must constantly be.

DO: Realize that you don't know everything, and that it's okay to ask questions.
DON'T: Expect one person to speak for their entire community. Just like you wouldn't want to be considered a token for your community, don't expect others to represent every member of their community, and don't attempt to speak for or over them if they are capable of speaking for themselves. Your job is not to be out in front of them calling the shots, but next to or behind them, giving them your support when they ask for it.

If you can do these things and keep them in mind, then you're on your way to being an ally and a decent human being. Basic human decency shouldn't be cause for congratulations, it should just be a natural state of being, but in this day and age, it isn't. So if you do these things, then congratulations: you aren't an asshole!

If you want to start doing these things, then remember, like I said, that you don't know everything, you aren't an expert, and you aren't expected to know everything. It's okay to ask questions; no one expects you to go from ignorant to super-ally overnight. As long as you maintain an open mind and are willing to admit when you've made a mistake and then learn from that mistake, you'll be on your way.

- Devaun

PS: This isn't a definitive list, obviously, this is just some basic stuff that I've come across since I came out, and then since I joined my college's LGBTQ organization. If you have other points that you think I've missed, or there's something you don't agree with, I of course welcome any and all discussion and suggestion. :)